I was married for 16 years to a woman that I can now only
describe as a Narcissistic Sociopath (NS).
Having studied “Abnormal Psychology” in my college years in the mid 70’s
and I've done much research on the internet and in the bookshelves on this
topic only to be told repeatedly by 'experts' that "Women cannot do this
to a man"---which is an absolute LIE!
They can, they are out there, they are as devious and abusive as any man
and the damages they produce on their men are every bit as harsh as a man can
produce on his unwitting wife.
Herein I define what a Narcissist and a Sociopath are and offer identification traits for each, drawn from other points on the web that illustrate these women in detail---I also offer my own personal story, my own journey through this insane nightmare of a dozen years. I am not a psychotherapist and do not pretend to be. I am simply a man hoping to reach out to other men in a similar circumstance and assure them that they are not alone. I have been there.
In this blog, I will respect my ex's privacy by referring to her only as "swampthing"---my own personal jab at a woman who made my life a living hell during our divorce proceedings. Thanks honey, love ya - mean it!
In November 22, 2002, my now ex-wife was caught cheating on
me (I have the most credible witness who was with me at time – my son). Even though I was angry and upset, I forgave
her because I believe at some point in our lives we do make mistakes but at the
same time, we learn from those mistakes and make efforts to never repeat them
again. But.. for my wife it wasn’t so
and she continued to secretly meet this other guy who by the way is also a
Narcissistic and Abusive Sociopath.
After repeatedly getting caught my wife approached me and said she wanted
to get out of the marriage and when I asked why was she doing all this nonsense
without thinking about her three small kids, her response was “At this stage, the kids are not a priority
in my life. The kids are not important
in my life. My life is more important. I am also suffering from a health problem and
I might not live long and so I want to enjoy my life before I die”. 14 years have since passed and she’s still
alive and well. She then filed for
divorce which basically was the beginning of my nightmare which I described
below as part of my personal research and study.
I believe it is harder to identify Antisocial Personality
Disorder, specifically Narcissistic Sociopath in women as often times they have
been labeled the ‘vindictive ex-wife’, or the ‘crazy ex-girlfriend’. These
women can also portray the helpless victim mask, therefore gaining more
sympathy and more {false} credibility.
Society as a whole, tends to overlook female Sociopaths
simply because when a relationship with a female Sociopath falls apart they are
usually labeled the crazy ex-whatever. Sociopath women lie so easily and
without conscience, that when the relationship with their partner falls apart (after
they methodically and systematically destroy it) they can make their partner
out to be a worthless, horrible human, (when in all reality, she probably
sucked the life out of him). When a man has been a victim of a Female
Sociopath, usually one of the above labels is given, (crazy ex-girlfriend,
vindictive ex-wife etc.) instead of a Sociopath and/or Narcissistic Sociopath.
Female Sociopaths are mentally and emotionally destructive
liars, cheaters & deceivers, etc. They are extremely self-centered, and she
is always right! Some female sociopaths
may be unable to care for their children, providing the unconditional love and
nurturing. Her children are just another ‘object’ to be used against the
father. The children are often used as a supply source for her. Or in some
cases divorced sociopath women with children will use them to gain sympathy
from a new partner. These children can grow up feeling like an inconvenience to
their mother’s, as they are also emotionally and mentally manipulated. They are
also, in some cases made to feel inadequate, and never living up to their
mother’s standards. Some female sociopaths are emotionally disconnected from
their children, causing the ‘whiplash’ scenario, leaving the children with a
deep craving for admiration. Could this be the beginning of some Narcissist?
Many of these women ‘appear’ normal in the public setting,
but are verbally and emotionally abusive in the private setting. The Female
Sociopath needs to be dominating, and she does this by being verbally intimidating
and emotionally manipulative. She will systematically attack your personality,
your objections, your displays of emotion, and your questions. She does this to
obtain her supply source, (boost to her ego/dominating factor) They want do
this with little or no regards to your
needs and wants. To a Female Sociopath the
end justifies the mean’s.
Female Sociopath have a high sex drive, and in case studies,
sex is not just good, it is over-the-top good. They are also very sexually
promiscuous. As with this sex drive,
they use this as one of the many manipulation tools to attract her next victim,
she will use sex to her advantage, unbeknownst to the male. She will appear sympathetic, caring,
concerned and display all the empathy/sympathy emotions, when in all reality
she is pulling you in closer to keep the control for personal gain. This could be for material possessions,
financial reasons, or reassurance that she is ‘the one’ (when she in fact may
have several ‘one’s on the side). If a Female Sociopath feels she is being
exposed, she may turn up the passion,
and give you the false sense of security
that you have nothing to fear. Or you will begin to see the Narcissistic Rage(s)
if you haven’t already. She may be setting you up to leave, so she will keep
you emotionally and physically close. Female Sociopaths can show fake emotions
if they are caught, and blame perhaps a one incident (yet you know the incidents
are repeated behaviour), on someone or something else, never taking
accountability. Some men are so drawn to the physical aspect with a female
Sociopath that when they catch their partner, girlfriend/wife cheating and
lying, they tend to believe the lies more easily because the female Sociopath
can turn on the sex factor, play the ‘pity card’, or cry rivers of tears while
expressing how “sorry” she is etc. This
puts the man back into the spin cycle of crazy and the false sense of security.
Women sociopaths are PTA mom’s, soccer mom’s, the ‘girl next
door’. They are brutality emotionally and financially destructive. Female
Sociopaths have a better time manipulating the court system (as they prey on
the sympathy) of lawyers, judges etc, and can fake show their tears much easier
than men. These women easily manipulate the court system in their favour with
financial judgments, all done by made up lies about the man, false
documentation, and coerced
‘statement’s’, thus leaving the men financially ruined. Male victims of
a female Sociopath not only have to grasp what they just went through, and
accept the hard blow to the ego, but they may also have to fight the ex in the
court system for custody, and/or shared custody. And this usually is a very
tough battle, as Female Sociopaths have many labels they can hide behind. (ie:
these false labels can be physical abuse, financial destitution etc.) And
society as a general rule of thumb grants custody to the female parent in most
cases. Once again, when dealing with a Sociopath, the same amount of emotional
and mental devastation, financial loss, friendships destroyed etc. are not
gender specific. Female Sociopaths are just as viscous and vindictive as the
male Sociopath. They can make you feel inadequate, violated, and a need to
control each and every situation.
Here are a couple of traits of female sociopaths. I believe
Narcissistic Sociopath is not gender related, these people just have different
names and faces. There are many traits
these women manifest.
Traits of a
Narcissist
1. Self-centered.
His/Her needs are foremost in his/her mind.
2. No
remorse for mistakes or misdeeds.
3. Unreliable,
undependable.
4. Does
not care about the consequences of his/her actions.
5. Projects
faults onto others. High blaming behavior; never their fault.
6. Little
if any conscience.
7. Insensitive
to needs and feelings of others.
8. Has
a good front (persona) to impress and exploit others.
9. Low
stress tolerance. Easy to anger and rage.
10. People
are to be manipulated for his/her needs.
11. Rationalizes
easily. Twists conversation to his/her gain at other’s expense. If trapped, keeps talking, changes the
subject or gets angry.
12. Pathological
lying.
13. Tremendous
need to control situations, conversations, others.
14. No
real values. Mostly situational.
15. Often
perceived as caring and understanding and uses this to manipulate.
16. Angry,
mercurial, moods.
17. Uses
sex to control.
18. Does
not share ideas, feelings, emotions.
19. Conversation
controller. Must have the first and last word.
20. Is
very slow to forgive others. Hangs onto resentment.
21. Secret
life. Hides money, friends, activities.
22. Likes
annoying others. Likes to create chaos and disrupt for no reason.
23. Moody
- switches from Mrs. Nice to Mrs. Angry without much provocation.
24. Repeatedly
fails to honor financial obligations.
25. Seldom
expresses appreciation.
26. Grandiose.
Convinced she knows more than others and is correct in all she does.
27. Lacks
ability to see how she comes across to others.
Defensive when confronted with her behavior. Never her fault.
28. Can
get emotional, tearful. This is about show or frustration rather than sorrow.
29. She
breaks her man's spirits to keep them dependent.
30. Needs
threats, intimidations to keep others close to her or in line with her beliefs.
31. Sabotages
partner. Wants him to be happy only through her means and to have few or no
outside interests and acquaintances.
32. Highly
contradictory.
33. Convincing. Must convince people to side with her.
34. Hides
her real self. Always “on" stage
and in control.
35. Kind
only if she's getting from you what she wants.
36. She
has to be right. She has to win. She has to look good.
37. She
announces, not discusses. She tells, not asks.
38. Does
not discuss openly, has a hidden agenda.
39. Controls
money of others but spends freely on herself.
40. Unilateral
condition of, "I'm OK and justified so I don't need to hear your position or ideas"
41. Always
feels misunderstood.
42. You
feel miserable with this person. She drains you.
43. Does
not listen because she does not really care.
44. Her
feelings are discussed, not the partners.
45. Is
not interested in problem-solving.
46. Very
good at reading people, so she can manipulate them. Sometimes called gaslighting.
Traits of a Sociopath
Here is a list of sociopathic traits put forth by Dr.
Hare. Please note that some of these
intermesh with the traits for Narcissism already listed.
Dr. Hare's Checklist (Sociopathic Traits)
1.
GLIB and SUPERFICIAL CHARM -- the tendency to be
smooth, engaging, charming, slick, and verbally facile. Sociopathic charm is
not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything. A sociopath
never gets tongue-tied. They have freed themselves from the social conventions
about taking turns in talking, for example.
2.
GRANDIOSE SELF-WORTH -- a grossly inflated view
of one's abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a
braggart. Sociopaths are arrogant people who believe they are superior human
beings.
3.
NEED FOR STIMULATION or PRONENESS TO BOREDOM --
an excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking
chances and doing things that are risky. Sociopaths often have low
self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because they get bored
easily. They fail to work at the same job for any length of time, for example,
or to finish tasks that they consider dull or routine.
4.
PATHOLOGICAL LYING -- can be moderate or high;
in moderate form, they will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever; in
extreme form, they will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous,
manipulative, and dishonest.
5.
CONNING AND MANIPULATIVENESS- the use of deceit
and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; distinguished
from Item #4 in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is
present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of
one's victims.
6.
LACK OF REMORSE OR GUILT -- a lack of feelings
or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be
unconcerned, dispassionate, coldhearted, and un empathic. This item is usually
demonstrated by a disdain for one's victims.
7.
SHALLOW AFFECT -- emotional poverty or a limited
range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open
gregariousness.
8.
CALLOUSNESS and LACK OF EMPATHY -- a lack of
feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and
tactless.
9.
PARASITIC LIFESTYLE -- an intentional,
manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as
reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin
or complete responsibilities.
10. POOR
BEHAVIORAL CONTROLS -- expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience,
threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper;
acting hastily.
11. PROMISCUOUS
SEXUAL BEHAVIOR -- a variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs,
and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of several
relationships at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others
into sexual activity or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits or
conquests.
12. EARLY
BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS -- a variety of behaviors prior to age 13, including lying,
theft, cheating, vandalism, bullying, sexual activity, fire-setting,
glue-sniffing, alcohol use, and running away from home.
13. LACK
OF REALISTIC, LONG-TERM GOALS -- an inability or persistent failure to develop
and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking
direction in life.
14. IMPULSIVITY
-- the occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or
planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations, and urges; a lack of deliberation
without considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic,
and reckless.
15. IRRESPONSIBILITY
-- repeated failure to fulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as
not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or
late to work, failing to honor contractual agreements.
16. FAILURE
TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR OWN ACTIONS -- a failure to accept responsibility
for one's actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of
dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort
to manipulate others through this denial.
17. MANY
SHORT-TERM MARITAL RELATIONSHIPS -- a lack of commitment to a long-term
relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable
commitments in life, including marital.
18. JUVENILE
DELINQUENCY -- behavior problems between the ages of 13-18; mostly behaviors
that are crimes or clearly involve aspects of antagonism, exploitation,
aggression, manipulation, or a callous, ruthless tough-mindedness.
19. REVOCATION
OF CONDITION RELEASE -- a revocation of probation or other conditional release
due to technical violations, such as carelessness, low deliberation, or failing
to appear.
20. CRIMINAL
VERSATILITY -- a diversity of types of criminal offenses, regardless if the
person has been arrested or convicted for them; taking great pride at getting
away with crimes.
Checklist for the Abused Spouse
Still not sure? Here
is a list of questions to think about when trying to decide if your wife is a
Narcissistic Sociopath (NS). The list
can be used by male or female and you should be mindful that if you can answer
"Yes" to even one of these questions there is a potential for
trouble. If your answer is
"Yes" to more than two of these questions there is a hugh potential
for major problems should you remain in the relationship.
1.
Does he or she act out in verbally aggressive
behaviors, or does he or she have 'rages', especially if he or she feels
insulted in some way? Does he or she blame 'you' or accuse you of being the one
that is 'acting out' or 'out-of-control'?
2.
In the beginning was he or she just 'too good to
be true'?
3.
Does he or she rely on you financially, or does
he or she ask you to help fund things?
4.
Does he or she often spend outside of the
budget?
5.
Is everything always about him or her and
nothing ever about you? Does he or she seem insensitive to your needs,
unappreciative of your input, or non-acknowledging of your accomplishments?
Does he or she not recognize your giving, kindness, and thoughtfulness? Does he
or she seem genuinely not interested in your life?
6.
Is he or she controlling? Do you often feel
manipulated?
7.
Does he or she show one side (Dr. Jekyll) to the
public (a perfected persona which you know is fake), and another side (Mr.
Hyde) to you in private? Does he or she go out of the way to impress people?
8.
Does his or her ego bruise easily, or is he or she
hyper-vigilant to the slightest insult? Do you have to be careful how you word
things or voice grievances?
9.
Does he or she expect special treatment or feel
'entitled' to it?
10. Does
he or she talk about himself or herself more than you feel is normal?
11. Does
he or she avoid eye contact with you, or does he or she withhold sex or
affection? Has he or she been unfaithful?
12. Does
he or she seem to lack empathy or compassion for others, or does he or she
'fake' it to enhance 'public persona'?
13. Do
you feel emotionally battered and confused?
14. Have
you noticed your confidence or self-esteem slipping?
15. Is
he or she histrionic? In other words, in public does he or she hog the
limelight, putting on exaggerated shows and telling fascinating stories in
order to be the center of attention?
16. Is
he or she loud or does he or she become center stage when engaging in simple
conversations with other people?
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