My Life With A Narcissistic Sociopathic Wife (now Ex-Wife)

I was married for 16 years to a woman that I can now only describe as a Narcissistic Sociopath (NS).  Having studied “Abnormal Psychology” in my college years in the mid 70’s and I've done much research on the internet and in the bookshelves on this topic only to be told repeatedly by 'experts' that "Women cannot do this to a man"---which is an absolute LIE!  They can, they are out there, they are as devious and abusive as any man and the damages they produce on their men are every bit as harsh as a man can produce on his unwitting wife. 

Herein I define what a Narcissist and a Sociopath are and offer identification traits for each, drawn from other points on the web that illustrate these women in detail---I also offer my own personal story, my own journey through this insane nightmare of a dozen years.  I am not a psychotherapist and do not pretend to be.  I am simply a man hoping to reach out to other men in a similar circumstance and assure them that they are not alone.  I have been there. 

In this blog, I will respect my ex's privacy by referring to her only as "swampthing"---my own personal jab at a woman who made my life a living hell during our divorce proceedings.  Thanks honey, love ya - mean it!

 

In November 22, 2002, my now ex-wife was caught cheating on me (I have the most credible witness who was with me at time – my son).  Even though I was angry and upset, I forgave her because I believe at some point in our lives we do make mistakes but at the same time, we learn from those mistakes and make efforts to never repeat them again.  But.. for my wife it wasn’t so and she continued to secretly meet this other guy who by the way is also a Narcissistic and Abusive Sociopath.  After repeatedly getting caught my wife approached me and said she wanted to get out of the marriage and when I asked why was she doing all this nonsense without thinking about her three small kids, her response was “At this stage, the kids are not a priority in my life.  The kids are not important in my life.  My life is more important.  I am also suffering from a health problem and I might not live long and so I want to enjoy my life before I die”.   14 years have since passed and she’s still alive and well.  She then filed for divorce which basically was the beginning of my nightmare which I described below as part of my personal research and study.

 

 

I believe it is harder to identify Antisocial Personality Disorder, specifically Narcissistic Sociopath in women as often times they have been labeled the ‘vindictive ex-wife’, or the ‘crazy ex-girlfriend’. These women can also portray the helpless victim mask, therefore gaining more sympathy and more {false} credibility.

 

Society as a whole, tends to overlook female Sociopaths simply because when a relationship with a female Sociopath falls apart they are usually labeled the crazy ex-whatever. Sociopath women lie so easily and without conscience, that when the relationship with their partner falls apart (after they methodically and systematically destroy it) they can make their partner out to be a worthless, horrible human, (when in all reality, she probably sucked the life out of him). When a man has been a victim of a Female Sociopath, usually one of the above labels is given, (crazy ex-girlfriend, vindictive ex-wife etc.) instead of a Sociopath and/or Narcissistic Sociopath.

 

Female Sociopaths are mentally and emotionally destructive liars, cheaters & deceivers, etc. They are extremely self-centered, and she is always right!  Some female sociopaths may be unable to care for their children, providing the unconditional love and nurturing. Her children are just another ‘object’ to be used against the father. The children are often used as a supply source for her. Or in some cases divorced sociopath women with children will use them to gain sympathy from a new partner. These children can grow up feeling like an inconvenience to their mother’s, as they are also emotionally and mentally manipulated. They are also, in some cases made to feel inadequate, and never living up to their mother’s standards. Some female sociopaths are emotionally disconnected from their children, causing the ‘whiplash’ scenario, leaving the children with a deep craving for admiration. Could this be the beginning of some Narcissist?

 

Many of these women ‘appear’ normal in the public setting, but are verbally and emotionally abusive in the private setting. The Female Sociopath needs to be dominating, and she does this by being verbally intimidating and emotionally manipulative. She will systematically attack your personality, your objections, your displays of emotion, and your questions. She does this to obtain her supply source, (boost to her ego/dominating factor) They want do this with  little or no regards to your needs and wants. To a Female Sociopath the end justifies the mean’s.

 

Female Sociopath have a high sex drive, and in case studies, sex is not just good, it is over-the-top good. They are also very sexually promiscuous.  As with this sex drive, they use this as one of the many manipulation tools to attract her next victim, she will use sex to her advantage, unbeknownst to the male.  She will appear sympathetic, caring, concerned and display all the empathy/sympathy emotions, when in all reality she is pulling you in closer to keep the control for personal gain.  This could be for material possessions, financial reasons, or reassurance that she is ‘the one’ (when she in fact may have several ‘one’s on the side). If a Female Sociopath feels she is being exposed,  she may turn up the passion, and give you the false sense of  security that you have nothing to fear. Or you will begin to see the Narcissistic Rage(s) if you haven’t already. She may be setting you up to leave, so she will keep you emotionally and physically close. Female Sociopaths can show fake emotions if they are caught, and blame perhaps a one incident (yet you know the incidents are repeated behaviour), on someone or something else, never taking accountability. Some men are so drawn to the physical aspect with a female Sociopath that when they catch their partner, girlfriend/wife cheating and lying, they tend to believe the lies more easily because the female Sociopath can turn on the sex factor, play the ‘pity card’, or cry rivers of tears while expressing how “sorry” she is etc.  This puts the man back into the spin cycle of crazy and the false sense of security.

 

Women sociopaths are PTA mom’s, soccer mom’s, the ‘girl next door’. They are brutality emotionally and financially destructive. Female Sociopaths have a better time manipulating the court system (as they prey on the sympathy) of lawyers, judges etc, and can fake show their tears much easier than men. These women easily manipulate the court system in their favour with financial judgments, all done by made up lies about the man, false documentation, and coerced  ‘statement’s’, thus leaving the men financially ruined. Male victims of a female Sociopath not only have to grasp what they just went through, and accept the hard blow to the ego, but they may also have to fight the ex in the court system for custody, and/or shared custody. And this usually is a very tough battle, as Female Sociopaths have many labels they can hide behind. (ie: these false labels can be physical abuse, financial destitution etc.) And society as a general rule of thumb grants custody to the female parent in most cases. Once again, when dealing with a Sociopath, the same amount of emotional and mental devastation, financial loss, friendships destroyed etc. are not gender specific. Female Sociopaths are just as viscous and vindictive as the male Sociopath. They can make you feel inadequate, violated, and a need to control each and every situation.

 

Here are a couple of traits of female sociopaths. I believe Narcissistic Sociopath is not gender related, these people just have different names and faces.  There are many traits these women  manifest.

 

Traits of a Narcissist

 

1.     Self-centered. His/Her needs are foremost in his/her mind.

2.     No remorse for mistakes or misdeeds.

3.     Unreliable, undependable.

4.     Does not care about the consequences of his/her actions.

5.     Projects faults onto others. High blaming behavior; never their fault.

6.     Little if any conscience.     

7.     Insensitive to needs and feelings of others.

8.     Has a good front (persona) to impress and exploit others.

9.     Low stress tolerance. Easy to anger and rage.

10.  People are to be manipulated for his/her needs.

11.  Rationalizes easily. Twists conversation to his/her gain at other’s expense.  If trapped, keeps talking, changes the subject or gets angry.

12.  Pathological lying.

13.  Tremendous need to control situations, conversations, others.

14.  No real values.  Mostly situational.

15.  Often perceived as caring and understanding and uses this to manipulate.

16.  Angry, mercurial, moods.

17.  Uses sex to control.

18.  Does not share ideas, feelings, emotions.

19.  Conversation controller. Must have the first and last word.

20.  Is very slow to forgive others. Hangs onto resentment.

21.  Secret life. Hides money, friends, activities.

22.  Likes annoying others. Likes to create chaos and disrupt for no reason.

23.  Moody - switches from Mrs. Nice to Mrs. Angry without much provocation.

24.  Repeatedly fails to honor financial obligations.

25.  Seldom expresses appreciation.

26.  Grandiose. Convinced she knows more than others and is correct in all she does.

27.  Lacks ability to see how she comes across to others.  Defensive when confronted with her behavior.  Never her fault.

28.  Can get emotional, tearful. This is about show or frustration rather than sorrow.

29.  She breaks her man's spirits to keep them dependent.

30.  Needs threats, intimidations to keep others close to her or in line with her beliefs.

31.  Sabotages partner. Wants him to be happy only through her means and to have few or no outside interests and acquaintances.

32.  Highly contradictory.

33.  Convincing.  Must convince people to side with her.

34.  Hides her real self.  Always “on" stage and in control. 

35.  Kind only if she's getting from you what she wants.

36.  She has to be right. She has to win. She has to look good.

37.  She announces, not discusses. She tells, not asks.

38.  Does not discuss openly, has a hidden agenda.

39.  Controls money of others but spends freely on herself.

40.  Unilateral condition of, "I'm OK and justified so I don't need to hear your  position or ideas"

41.  Always feels misunderstood.

42.  You feel miserable with this person. She drains you.

43.  Does not listen because she does not really care.

44.  Her feelings are discussed, not the partners.

45.  Is not interested in problem-solving.

46.  Very good at reading people, so she can manipulate them.  Sometimes called gaslighting.

 

Traits of a Sociopath

Here is a list of sociopathic traits put forth by Dr. Hare.  Please note that some of these intermesh with the traits for Narcissism already listed.

 

Dr. Hare's Checklist (Sociopathic Traits)

1.    GLIB and SUPERFICIAL CHARM -- the tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, slick, and verbally facile. Sociopathic charm is not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything. A sociopath never gets tongue-tied. They have freed themselves from the social conventions about taking turns in talking, for example.

2.    GRANDIOSE SELF-WORTH -- a grossly inflated view of one's abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a braggart. Sociopaths are arrogant people who believe they are superior human beings.

3.    NEED FOR STIMULATION or PRONENESS TO BOREDOM -- an excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Sociopaths often have low self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because they get bored easily. They fail to work at the same job for any length of time, for example, or to finish tasks that they consider dull or routine.

4.    PATHOLOGICAL LYING -- can be moderate or high; in moderate form, they will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever; in extreme form, they will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative, and dishonest.

5.    CONNING AND MANIPULATIVENESS- the use of deceit and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; distinguished from Item #4 in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of one's victims.

6.    LACK OF REMORSE OR GUILT -- a lack of feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, coldhearted, and un empathic. This item is usually demonstrated by a disdain for one's victims.

7.    SHALLOW AFFECT -- emotional poverty or a limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness.

8.    CALLOUSNESS and LACK OF EMPATHY -- a lack of feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless.

9.    PARASITIC LIFESTYLE -- an intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin or complete responsibilities.

10.  POOR BEHAVIORAL CONTROLS -- expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper; acting hastily.

11.  PROMISCUOUS SEXUAL BEHAVIOR -- a variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of several relationships at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits or conquests.

12.  EARLY BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS -- a variety of behaviors prior to age 13, including lying, theft, cheating, vandalism, bullying, sexual activity, fire-setting, glue-sniffing, alcohol use, and running away from home.

13.  LACK OF REALISTIC, LONG-TERM GOALS -- an inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life.

14.  IMPULSIVITY -- the occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations, and urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic, and reckless.

15.  IRRESPONSIBILITY -- repeated failure to fulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing to honor contractual agreements.

16.  FAILURE TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR OWN ACTIONS -- a failure to accept responsibility for one's actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this denial.

17.  MANY SHORT-TERM MARITAL RELATIONSHIPS -- a lack of commitment to a long-term relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable commitments in life, including marital.

18.  JUVENILE DELINQUENCY -- behavior problems between the ages of 13-18; mostly behaviors that are crimes or clearly involve aspects of antagonism, exploitation, aggression, manipulation, or a callous, ruthless tough-mindedness.

19.  REVOCATION OF CONDITION RELEASE -- a revocation of probation or other conditional release due to technical violations, such as carelessness, low deliberation, or failing to appear.

20.  CRIMINAL VERSATILITY -- a diversity of types of criminal offenses, regardless if the person has been arrested or convicted for them; taking great pride at getting away with crimes.

 

 

Checklist for the Abused Spouse

Still not sure?  Here is a list of questions to think about when trying to decide if your wife is a Narcissistic Sociopath (NS).  The list can be used by male or female and you should be mindful that if you can answer "Yes" to even one of these questions there is a potential for trouble.  If your answer is "Yes" to more than two of these questions there is a hugh potential for major problems should you remain in the relationship.

 

1.    Does he or she act out in verbally aggressive behaviors, or does he or she have 'rages', especially if he or she feels insulted in some way? Does he or she blame 'you' or accuse you of being the one that is 'acting out' or 'out-of-control'?

2.    In the beginning was he or she just 'too good to be true'?

3.    Does he or she rely on you financially, or does he or she ask you to help fund things?

4.    Does he or she often spend outside of the budget?

5.    Is everything always about him or her and nothing ever about you? Does he or she seem insensitive to your needs, unappreciative of your input, or non-acknowledging of your accomplishments? Does he or she not recognize your giving, kindness, and thoughtfulness? Does he or she seem genuinely not interested in your life?

6.    Is he or she controlling? Do you often feel manipulated?

7.    Does he or she show one side (Dr. Jekyll) to the public (a perfected persona which you know is fake), and another side (Mr. Hyde) to you in private? Does he or she go out of the way to impress people?

8.    Does his or her ego bruise easily, or is he or she hyper-vigilant to the slightest insult? Do you have to be careful how you word things or voice grievances?

9.    Does he or she expect special treatment or feel 'entitled' to it?

10.  Does he or she talk about himself or herself more than you feel is normal?

11.  Does he or she avoid eye contact with you, or does he or she withhold sex or affection? Has he or she been unfaithful?

12.  Does he or she seem to lack empathy or compassion for others, or does he or she 'fake' it to enhance 'public persona'?

13.  Do you feel emotionally battered and confused?

14.  Have you noticed your confidence or self-esteem slipping?

15.  Is he or she histrionic? In other words, in public does he or she hog the limelight, putting on exaggerated shows and telling fascinating stories in order to be the center of attention?

16.  Is he or she loud or does he or she become center stage when engaging in simple conversations with other people?