Loving Someone You've Never Met

 

We were raised in a society that frowned upon the immaturity of teenagers and views reckless behavior as a misunderstanding of life and a need for guidance.

So the obvious question that pops up - Is loving someone you never met or seen possible?

That's an interesting question; however, the answer to that question is not as apparent or straightforward. I can entirely see how you can fall in love with someone you've never met.  If you both are pen pals (before the internet came along) or are friends with someone on the internet and chat with them on messenger programs, for example, you would know what I am talking about.   Although, personally, I haven't fallen in love online with anyone, however, I have felt connected in some ways to one girl I knew in my mid-teens whom I have never met face-to-face because we lived in different countries.  Both of us were still in high school at the time.

I was 17 or 18 at the time, when I connected with a girl via exchange of letters (snail mail as we now call it).  We started off as mere pen pals in the 70’s and as several months went by, we both felt attracted toward each other even though we hadn’t met or seen one another and over a period of time, the tone of our exchanges changed from flirty to outright romantic.  I was drawn to her as through our exchange of letters as far as I remember was once a week, she came to be the perfect combination of charisma, kindness and maturity.  And then something happened and the letters stopped.

Since that day, I spent years of my life everyday with a hole in my heart.  I always wanted to meet that person even though I had this feeling that it's kinda hopeless endeavour.

Forty seven years later, I’ve still never met someone who has made me feel quite so much.  It’s hard to know whether it was love or if it is the instinct to crave what you can’t have.   What I do realize, though, is I haven’t been able to feel the same type of love as I did when I was 17 or 18.

Falling in love through letter writing has been going on for hundreds of years.  In what sense does it differ from falling in love the regular way? Is this a good way to fall in love?  How relevant is it to modern lovers?

People generally get attracted to each other based on common ideas, common outlook towards life, common value systems, and similar views on important issues.  If you happen to know someone be it via letters or over the Internet, you can sometimes feel connected if your views match theirs. Also, you might like their sense of humor - this does come through no matter what the medium, whether it's through letters, speech, chat, or text.  So, face-to-face contact isn't as essential in knowing the other person.  One can even argue that not having face-to-face contact can have certain advantages.  You may not judge the other person for their physical looks per se, but may get in touch with them on a deeper emotional level. Consequently, I would think you could theoretically fall in love with someone you've never met in person. I know I cared very deeply for this girl

But, could such a love stand the test of time?  Would such a love overcome the potentially high expectations generated through letters, by an online or virtual personality?  Certain personality traits may not be visible or apparent through letters or in the online domain. Would such a love, then, be able to come to terms with the reality of imperfections?

I’ve done a lot of soul searching and personal research on how can a person develop feelings for another just through letters and through my search for an answer I find there doesn’t seem to be much science or even discussion available on the process of becoming emotionally attached to someone you’ve never met.  Virtually all of what I’ve seen has arisen as a function of Internet dating.  A post by Mark D. White, PhD (“Maybe It’s Just Me, But ...”) on the internet discusses people who start to fall in love with someone they’ve never met, and whom they know only from online communication.  It concludes that, while crucial data on another person can only come from physically meeting them, it is still possible, and even desirable under certain circumstances, to begin the process knowing only what can be gleaned through chats, texts, emails and even regular emails; and that process includes affection - the beginnings, even, of love.

A novel from the 1970s, 84 Charing Cross Road, about a purely epistolary -  i.e.  letter based—friendship, shows that the same sort of thing happened before Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

Certainly the human imagination is powerful enough to feel affection for people we build solely out of the various data in our head. Novels, after all, are based on this principle—who hasn’t read a book with a character so engaging we feel we know her, or him, and care for that person too? I still feel sad about losing Robert Jordan, in a sabotage attempt in the Spanish Civil War, at the end of Hemingway’s “For Whom the Bell Tolls”.

Online relationships are an improved version of a writing-based relationship. In the new version, the time gap between writing, sending, receiving, and reading has become almost instantaneous - the sender can receive a reply while still in the same state of emotions she was in when she sent the original message.  This is of great emotional significance, as emotions are transitory and involve the urge to act immediately.

Communication through (offline or online) letters appears to be more suitable for romantic communication than phone conversations.  They are typically deeper, and in many cases more sincere.  Sincerity is a great asset to successful personal relationships and is correlated with a higher degree of intimacy.

Although people can more easily be dishonest about themselves in letters, the act of writing encourages people to present a more profound and sincere picture of their true self.  This is especially true if the relationship continues and develops further.

It is often easier to describe your heart in writing while you are alone than it is when you are talking about your feelings in front of another person.  Indeed, self-disclosure in the initial stages of a relationship is often greater in letters than in offline communication.  Moreover, unlike phone calls, letters can be reread again and again and thereby enhance romantic responses.

Romantic letters are usually written when the person is physically alone, but mentally with another person. Sometimes the writer even knows that the letter will not be sent since there is no physical way of doing so (as occurred, for example, during the Holocaust), or the writer is not mentally ready to send it (as its content may seem risky or too revealing).

When we write a letter, we have a sense of being in company, even if we are secluded. When we receive a letter, the feeling that we are not forgotten is prominent as well.

Letter writing as a romantic process was - and, to some extent, still is particularly prevalent during prolonged periods of war, when men are far away from home, and the only way for them to communicate with loved ones is through letters.

Think back to when you had your first taste of love.  Maybe you realize now it wasn’t love, or maybe you haven’t been able to find someone who compares since.  Whatever that memory means to you, I bet you look back on this time with some sense of nostalgia.  The nostalgia comes from a longing for openness and vulnerability we had when we were teenagers.

The younger we are, the greater capacity we have to throw ourselves into love.  This is because we don’t have years of baggage clouding our feelings, and we don’t dodge potential connections based on the fear of getting hurt.

We have all met someone who has come into our lives in the most perfect manner, someone who hit us in our core with a feeling that could not be ignored.  But, society has taught us to brush off these intense feelings because we are young.  We are told our emotions are invalid because we don’t have the wisdom of age to back them up.  I don’t believe this for a second. Teenage love has the ability to be the rawest, most simplified version of love we will ever experience.

The dating world is tough. It scars you, changes you; it makes you start planning the rest of your life with your best friend, a few dogs and a “don’t fuck with me attitude” in order to avoid being hurt again.

But, maybe naivety isn’t as bad as society makes it out to be.  Maybe, it just means that the big, scary world hasn’t hardened us yet.  We are more open to receiving love and showing ourselves honestly. We dig less and trust ourselves a little bit more, knowing who it feels right to be with.

I completely understand the fact our brains are not fully developed when we are teenagers. We are less mature, more emotionally driven and are much more likely to make impulsive decisions. Often, this results in silly relationships that make us cringe as adults.

Not everyone has a life-changing relationship as a teenager, but I do think the ability to feel emotions with less constraint comes with young age.  Aging leads to experience, and experience can lead to intelligence, giving us the ability to rationalize who is good for us and who may screw us over.

We don’t throw ourselves out there as often as we used to, so we may miss some incredible opportunities to interact with someone we wouldn’t have before.

The most heart-pounding relationships aren’t based on a foundation of logic, though. The best ones are formed by the ability to open up to someone who feels "right."

Love has a way of irrationally steering you toward someone you wouldn’t be able to think your way to. And when we’re teenagers, we give into these emotions so easily.  We follow them, trusting them with that 17 or 18 year-old arrogance our parents told us to drop unless we wanted to be grounded for the weekend. We may get hurt from this emotionally-driven confidence, but we are also given the opportunity to learn.

I believe when we are young, we are fully capable of understanding love. What we had wasn’t perfect, but it may never be that innocent again.

Maturity doesn’t mean shit if you don’t know how to tap into that inner 17 – 18 year-old who so desperately wants to find someone who cares about him or her.

That younger version of yourself was clear of the barriers we are now navigating as adults in the dating world. We're searching for someone who seems logically good, rather than someone who feels right.

So, maybe, being young and dumb and in love was actually the smartest, most honest thing we’ve ever done.